I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
