I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
