In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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