we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
