Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
