Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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