were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
