Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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