I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
