At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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