i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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