May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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