woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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