Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
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There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
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You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.