Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
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Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
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but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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