Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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