i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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