Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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