I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
