Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
