does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
