Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
