Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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