Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
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Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass