My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.