I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
