Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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