Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
