would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
