Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
