question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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