i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
