The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
