Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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