I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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