and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
