when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
