The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
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MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
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he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
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