I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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