Your face is a jimmy john
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
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The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
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And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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