I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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