i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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