My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
