Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
