at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
