Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
