I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
