he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
