not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
