Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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