i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
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That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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