hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
