Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
