Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
