Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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