Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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