I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I party with great urgency now.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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