I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If its not for food we ain't going out.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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