Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
