This is not my ceiling
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
