Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
